she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
this must be what syphilis tastes like
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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