Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
