Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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