We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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