I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
