I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
nutella sex= disaster
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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