My entire life is one complicated drinking game
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
