Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
