Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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