the condom got lost in my hair
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
