I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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