Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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