best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize