Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
