when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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