I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize