Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
