My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
