it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
