I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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