finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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