Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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