you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Someone signed my nipple.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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