Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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