I'd wear matching sweaters with you
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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