You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
