I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
