the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
