OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
