1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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