one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
The adults are the big ones right?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
