Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
