so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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