we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
