2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
