so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
