I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We talked him into tasing himself.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
