I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
