Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
