Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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