I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
