Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
