Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
this must be what syphilis tastes like
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
