Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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