woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
