I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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