Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
