Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
