I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
