My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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