Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Randomize
