you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
