imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
