before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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