woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
